What Is and What Can Never Be
by Stellina Gatsby
Summary: Teenaged Severus and Lily discuss some hypothetical situations.


**I wrote this story to try to help explain to my younger sister how I think about Severus and why I like that character. She infuriatingly refuses to read it.

It takes place during Easter break of Severus and Lily's fourth year. Enjoy!

**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and all that jazz. **

The sun shone done on the Hogwart's grounds, giving the false impression that it was warm out. There were only a few people left at the castle during Easter break and ever fewer were on the grounds. It was quiet, serene even.

Severus and Lily had headed outside to get some fresh air. They had been studying in the library when Sirius Black had come in and started pestering Lily for help with Transfiguration, calling Severus "Snivellus" multiple times, and generally being the most obnoxious person known to wizardkind.

They tried to head down to the Great Hall to study, but there were a couple of first and second year 'Puffs playing Exploding Snap and giggling incessantly. (That was obnoxious, too, but the five Hufflepuff girls combined couldn't match Sirius.)

Lily had suggested they try the Gryffindor common room, but then they decided that Sirius would find them there. Severus had suggested the Slytherin common room and they headed down the the dungeons.

Severus had gone in, seen Mulciber sitting in front of the fire, and had immediately turned around and pushed Lily back out into the hallway before Mulciber could see her or vice versa.

So they headed out onto the grounds. They settled down under a tree near the lake. It was just windy enough to make studying next to impossible. So they stuffed their books back into their bags and sat under the tree, staring out at the lake.

"Lily," Severus said, "you never told me why you didn't go home for break."

Every year for their first three years, Lily had gone home during their holidays, leaving Severus behind. He had asked her before why she had stayed, but she hadn't answered him.

Lily sighed. "Tuney is bringing her boyfriend home over her school break to meet our parents."

"Okay."

"She doesn't want me there. Told me that I'd scare him away."

"Why do you still care so much about what she thinks of you? I know she's your sister and you want to be close to her, but she's made it clear that she's not interested."

"She's still my sister."

"I just don't know why you beat yourself up over it. It's her loss."

Lily sighed again. She shifted closer to Severus and leaned against him, putting her head on his chest and her arm across his stomach.

"You're sweet," she said.

Severus felt his heart leap up into his throat. He put his arm around her shoulders and said, "Thanks?"

"You know," she murmured, "I bet we'd still be close like we were as little girls if she was a witch, too."

Severus snorted.

"What? Why is that funny?"

"I'm sorry, it's just... She's not a witch."

"But if she were. I mean, the first big fight we got in was when I got into Hogwarts and Dumbledore told her she couldn't come, too. If she was a witch, do you think she and I would still be friends?"

"That's a fairly far-fetched hypothetical question."

Lily was starting to feel a little irritated with Severus. She knew it was far-fetched. She knew that even if, in some alternate universe, her sister was also a witch and they had stayed friends, it wouldn't change _this_ universe. She just wanted him to say yes, to agree with her, and to tell her that her sister would still love her.

"Just agree with me, Sev."

Severus felt a twang of guilt. If he had known he was just supposed to be telling her what she wanted to hear, that she was looking for him to comfort her, he would have obliged.

"Lily, if your sister went to Hogwarts, I'm sure you would still be friends. She would be in Hufflepuff. And her best subject would be Divination. And we would all go to quidditch games together."

"Thanks, Sev."

"Anytime."

"I bet she would have some really snarky things to say to the Marauders, too."

Severus couldn't help but agree with that. He had been at the receiving end of Petunia's snark many times. "I bet she would," he said.

Lily sniffled.

"Lily?"

"Sorry," she said, brushing the back of her hand across her eyes, wiping away the tears, "I know it's foolish. But thinking about me and Tuney still being friends, her coming to Hogwarts, it makes me happy and sad at the same time. It's a nice thought. But it doesn't change the reality that my only sister hates me."

Severus didn't have anything to say to that. He had tried to say that earlier. He also knew the danger of hypotheticals; he had almost an addiction to musing about what could never be.

"I know what that's like," he said.

Lily looked up at him and considered her best friend. He wasn't looking at her; he was staring out at the lake. His eyes were fixed on the far shore, but he had a look that said he was concentrating on something deep in his mind.

She sometimes didn't know why she bothered telling Severus her personal thoughts. She wanted to be close to him, for him to know her, and she usually felt that he wanted that too, but he didn't reciprocate and tell her about himself.

She knew about him. In six years of friendship, she had amassed a collection of facts about Severus that would make a very thorough encyclopedia entry. That being said, she never did know what to get him for his birthday. It was hard to guess whether he would like something she picked. She didn't ever know if he would find something funny or just annoying.

At the risk of sounding like a new-age self-help guru, she didn't really know how he felt about anything. For instance, Lily knew that Severus' home life wasn't good. He would tell her when his parents fought and he was sometimes forced to admit that his father had hit him, but she didn't know if it made him angry, or sad, or if he had accepted it and was now just waiting it out.

Lily looked back at Severus. His eyes were still fixed on the lake.

"Sickle for your thoughts, Sev."

"What? Oh... well... I forgot what I was thinking. I lost my train of thought."

"Severus?" Lily was suddenly feeling a bit brazen. "Why don't you ever tell me what you're thinking? I tell you."

"I would tell you if I could remember."

"No, I mean, when you ask me if something is wrong, I tell you. If I ask you, you usually just say you're fine and leave it at that."

"Oh." Severus had never before considered that Lily wanted to hear him complain. He listened to her because he knew she appreciated having someone to vent to, and because she had told him she thought that was one of the things that made him a good friend. He didn't really mind, in any case.

He had always tried to censor what he told her about himself. He didn't want her to know how he thought of himself for fear that she might start thinking it too. He couldn't tell her that he felt useless, or helpless, that he sometimes thought he deserved the way people treated him, or that he still wanted his mother's approval.

Severus didn't want her to know he had thought about becoming a Death Eater. The first time one of the older Slytherin boys had mentioned it to him, he hadn't said anything, but thought that he wouldn't be capable of it. On a subsequent mention - after he had spent the night in the hospital wing thanks to the Marauders - Lucius had said, "No Death Eater would stand for abuse like that at the hands of those _blood__traitors.__"_

He had agreed and thought that it would be amazing: to be powerful, to never have anyone raise a threatening hand or wand to him again. Afterwards, he had felt disgusting, like he had killed a part of his own heart. His own mother was what Lucius would call a blood traitor. Severus didn't want to hurt people, or have to kill them; he just wanted to be left alone.

"Severus," Lily said. "You were staring at the lake again. What were you thinking about?"

"Oh, I..." He had been about to tell her exactly what he had been thinking, but he caught himself in time and the words stuck in his throat. He had to swallow hard to keep something stupid from coming out of his mouth instead.

"I was thinking..." he said, "about how sometimes I wish I wasn't in Slytherin."

"No, you don't."

"Yes. I do."

He was telling the truth. He absolutely hated some of the other students in his house. He agreed with Lily that Mulciber was creepy. Severus wouldn't be surprised if, five years out of school, he picked up a copy of the Daily Prophet and saw a mugshot of Mulciber on the front page.

"When I was sorted, I put on the Hat, and asked it to put me in Gryffindor with you. I tried really hard to be brave so I could be with you."

Lily didn't respond. He had never told her that before. It made her want to cry.

Severus waited for her to respond for what felt like a decade, then he continued because he couldn't stand waiting any longer.

"Do you think I'd make a good Gryffindor?"

"I think you would."

He smiled. She thought he was brave.

"But you know, Sev, if you were in Gryffindor, you'd have to share a dorm room with James and the boys."

His smile faded. "Right," he said, "maybe I'd rather be in Ravenclaw."

Lily laughed. Severus didn't know whether he should be upset by that or not.

"Is that particularly funny?"

"Oh, it's just, as if you said, 'Oh right, _they__'__re_ there.'"

Lily got up from where she was still lying on Severus chest.

"I think you'd make a really good Ravenclaw."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You're clever. And I can imagine you in their common room, surrounded by books, arguing about potion-making and magical theory."

"Maybe the Marauders wouldn't be so apt to bother me if I was in Ravenclaw. Or Gryffindor, for that matter."

"Maybe you'd be their friend, if you were a Gryff."

"I don't know about that."

"Well, the other people in your house in your year are your friends by default."

"No, they're not. I'm not friends with any of the other Slytherins my year."

"Yes, you are. You hang out with Mulciber and Avery all the time."

"I hang out with them. I don't like them. They're both small-minded, uninteresting, vindictive sociopaths. I pushed you out of the common room earlier because Mulciber was there."

"Oh." Lily mulled over a thought that had just returned to her. "So, did you _help_ them with what they did to Mary MacDonald?"

"No. Of course not."

"But you didn't try to stop them?"

"I... No, I didn't try to stop them."

She looked disappointed in him, which hurt more than if she had been angry.

"I don't know what you expect from me, Lily."

She was looking hard into his eyes. He almost wanted to look away. It felt like she was seeing straight to the quick of his soul. The look in her eyes, however, didn't seem to say she disliked what she was seeing.

"I would have expected you to try to stop them, but maybe that's unreasonable."

"It would have made living with them unbearable."

"I know. You get it enough from my housemates, you don't need it from your own."

Severus was a little surprised. She had guessed what he was thinking. That had never happened before.

"I'm getting cold," Lily said.

"We can go back to the library. Black is probably gone by now."

Before she stood up, Lily kissed Severus on the temple. His eyes got wide and she almost regretted doing it.

"What was that for?"

"I don't know. You were saying..." She trailed off. "I felt like you needed... some affection."

She offered her hand and helped pull Severus to his feet.

He didn't say so out loud, but what she had said was true. She had articulated what he needed in a way he hadn't been able to.

He didn't let go of her hand once he was standing and they headed back to the mostly empty castle.


End file.
